This past November, Anderson turned 13. It was a significant birthday to me. In the Jewish culture, the Bar Mitzvah ritual occurs at 13 and signifies that a boy has now become responsible for his own actions. We are not Jewish, but being a Christian, I am intrigued by my spiritual roots, and I have a deep desire to better understand Jewish history. So, with that in mind, we did not have a ceremony, but we did tell Anderson on his 13th birthday that he was now considered a young man, that he would be given more responsibility but also more opportunity and freedom. Along with that, I wrote him a list of every bit of advice I wanted him to know as he grows into a young man and eventually leads a life independent of our daily guidance.
Here is what I had to share with him. What I thought intially might be 30 random thoughts turned into 122. I am posting them more for myself than anything else, so that if they are lost, I know where I can find them, and so that I can pass them on to Bennett in 8 years, too. (Only by then, I should be wiser and have even more to add.)
1. You are responsible for doing two things in life: Loving God and loving others. That’s it. It’s really that simple.
2. You don’t have to go far looking for trouble. It is always lurking, waiting for a willing participant.
3. Guard your mind vigilantly. Thoughts easily turn into actions. The more you think purely, the easier it is to live purely.
4. As a male, you were designed to notice the beauty of a woman. It incites a desire for intimacy with her that guarantees the human race continues! This is all part of God’s plan. But until you are married and can follow that desire, guard your eyes. Don’t let a fleeting thought become a fantasy you daydream about. Remember that while you can’t control what tempts you nor can you control a fleeting thought, you can control what you think on, what you meditate on, what you give attention to. The world will offer you plenty of temptation. You will give yourself a beautiful gift if you do all you can to flee it.
5. When it comes to sex, remember that God created it. It is His idea, so your interest in girls and your attraction to them is totally normal. But He created sex to be shared between a married man and woman. Having sex outside of the boundaries God has set will only bring heartache and trouble. My grandpa told my dad, “You can get into more trouble in a few minutes than you can get out of in a life time.” He was so right.
6. Choose your circle of friends wisely. “If you run with the dogs, you’ll smell like the dogs.” Bad company corrupts good character.
7. Don’t procrastinate. The list of things to do only piles up and makes you feel overwhelmed.
8. My mom always said, “Nothing good happens after midnight.” I think generally this is the truth.
9. Always keep your word. If you say you will do something, do it.
10. Forgive everything. No matter how horrible the act done against you is, it is not too great for the grace of God to cover. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself so that you don’t carry the burden of bitterness. It opens the door to healing. You cannot heal until you forgive. My mom says, “Bitterness is the poison you drink hoping it will kill somebody else.” Forgiveness doesn’t say what the person has done is okay nor does it mean that you forget it. It simply acknowledges that the sin has been paid in full by Jesus so you don’t have to exact revenge or bring it to justice. Forgiveness frees you from the act done against you so that you can move on with your life.
11. Remember that everything you see and perceive is through the lens of your own life experience and beliefs. Sometimes we see clearly; sometimes we don’t. Ask God to help you see things the way He does. When we see through His eyes, then we have the right perspective.
12. Be a loyal friend. Don’t ever say something about a friend behind his back that you haven’t already said to his face.
13. Be honest. Always tell the truth. Mark Twain said, “If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.” It requires too much energy and memory to live a lie. And as you get older, all of those things fade. So in the end, most of the time people are going to know whether you told the truth or not. Even Jesus said, “All things hidden will come to light. There is nothing hidden that will not be made known.”
14. Remember the importance of tact and delivery. The truth might hurt sometimes, but you can do your best to cushion the blow by being as tactful and as caring as possible with your delivery.
15. Work hard. Whatever you do, do it with all your heart. Hard work really does pay off, and people take notice and respect you when you do.
16. Hard work can reap the greatest rewards. The best accomplishments of your life will probably be hard fought, and that is as it should be. Working hard teaches you discipline and strengthens you.
17. Make time for play and for rest on a weekly basis. Even God rested on the seventh day. It is arrogant and foolish to think you can handle more than God.
18. Exercise regularly. I think working out at least five days a week is good. You don’t have to spend a lot of time doing it. A half of an hour is sufficient. But get your heart racing, your blood pumping, your lungs heaving. It’s good for your body, soul and spirit. And it cuts your risk of disease significantly and can prolong your life.
19. Be a good steward of your body. You only get one on this earth. Take good care of it—eat right, exercise, and get plenty of sleep at night.
20. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Remember that it is better to take proper care of your body than to heal it. Never take your good health for granted. It is a precious gift.
21. When it comes to your diet, remember that “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” Cookies, soda, fried foods, etc. are okay in moderation. But it is wise for the bulk of your diet to consist of whole foods—foods that are straight from the earth. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables and lean meat. Drink lots of water, and remember that milk really does a body good.
22. When it comes to alcohol, remember a wise man knows his limitations. Don’t get drunk. You’ll likely look like a fool, and hangovers are horrible.
23. When at a crossroads and unsure of which road to choose, seek wise and godly counsel from people who will tell you truth no matter what. And if neither road feels right, stay put or back up a bit. God has a way of illuminating the path if you just wait for Him to do so. His timing is impeccable.
24. Never feel guilty for taking a nap.
25. Always keep an umbrella, a flash light, a spare tire, and jumper cables in your car.
26. When it comes to finding a job, determine what it is you love to do, and then try to find a way to make a good living doing it. Never take a job just for the money unless you are absolutely desperate and need to survive. Seek a job that you truly enjoy, that brings excitement to you. If you love what you do, you’ll likely be great at it. And if you are great at it, you can probably make a living doing it. (And remember, you may not always love going to work, but if at the end of a day you find satisfaction in what you have accomplished, then you won’t mind showing up for work the next day.)
27. If you can’t find a way to get paid to do what you love the most, then always have a hobby that you enjoy and set aside time to do it regularly.
28. When choosing a girl to date seriously, only choose one that you could actually see yourself marrying one day based on what you know about her. You never know whom you might fall in love with. And you don’t want to fall in love with the wrong girl.
29. Until you find the woman that you know you are meant to marry, guard your heart very carefully. Remember that most relationships that are formed before you are 20 end in break ups. Don’t give your heart to someone who is not going to cherish it and treat it delicately.
30. When choosing a wife, take a good, long look at her family. Remember that she was raised by those people, and they have affected her greatly—both positively and negatively. They have given her love, or they may have given her a gaping hole that needs to be filled. They have given her confidence, or they may have given her insecurity. None of us are perfect. All of us need healing from living in a fallen world. But when it comes to choosing the women with whom you want to share your life’s journey, you want to choose someone who is carrying as little baggage as possible. That doesn’t mean you can’t marry someone with a troubled “past”. It just means that if they have one, make sure they have taken the necessary steps to heal and move on from it.
31. Remember that when you marry someone, you also marry their family. Holidays and significant events will be shared with them. Before you say “I do”, accept them for who they are and don’t expect them to change. No expectations=no disappointments.
32. When you get married, don’t expect your wife to change. Make sure she doesn’t expect you to change either. These kinds of unmet expectations can be devastating to your relationship.
33. When you get married, remember that your marriage is your priority. Don’t even let your children come before it. If you both put each other first, then your children will be blessed because they will feel secure. Plus, when you are happily married, you can partner in parenting together much more efficiently. And God forbid if a child strays from the instruction they have been given by you, they will not be able to rip your marriage apart.
34. When you get married, remember that a woman always needs to find ways to bring beauty into her world. Allow her to do that. Her decorating, redecorating, change of hair styles, desire to buy new clothes, gardening, bright ideas to change the house and yard which require help from you, etc., may drive you nuts, but remember that it makes her very, very happy.
35. When you have a family of your own, be very present in every aspect of their lives. Your love will greatly help your children understand and accept the love of their Heavenly Father. Don’t let work or other activities take precedence over them or your wife. Remember that they are looking to you to determine whether or not they are lovable, acceptable, and good enough. Do all you can to tell them that they are. When you get married, kiss your wife every day, look into her eyes, and tell her you love her.
36. Keep in mind that a woman likes to be told regularly that she is beautiful. And she needs to feel like you really mean it when you say it.
37. When you get married, remember that little things can say “I love you” in a big way. Doing the dishes after dinner, giving her a back rub while you watch tv, putting the kids in bed, calling home to see if you can bring home dinner, etc. all make her feel like you really do care for her.
38. Gary Chapman says there are five ways that people give and receive love: Words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, gifts, and quality time. Before you get married, know how you best give and receive love and how your future wife gives and receives it. Realize you may not show love the same way. When you know how to love her best and she knows how to love you best, you will really know what it is to have a happy marriage.
39. When you have kids, don’t think that you can treat them exactly the same way. You can’t. You should parent them with the same principles, standards, and faith, but you have to parent them uniquely because they will all be unique individuals. For some children, you have to be more stern; for others, more gentle. You have to learn what inspires them, what motivates them, what makes them feel loved, what makes them feel scared, what makes them insecure, what makes them feel confident. Knowing these things helps you parent them specifically so you can best meet their needs and train them up in the way that they should go.
40. Don’t take the easy way out unless you are in a burning building. Then by all means do so.
41. In life, you will have trouble from time to time. Trials are guaranteed. But remember what Jesus said: “I have overcome the world.” Trials are meant to last for a little while, to strengthen you, to build your faith, and to remind you that you need God.
42. Give thanks in all things. Even in hard times, it is important to stay grateful. If anything, it keeps your attitude in check. And nothing may be worse for an already bad situation than a rotten attitude.
43. Guard what you think and what you say. Remember that as a man thinks, so he is. And words have power. The Bible says, “The power of life and death is in the tongue.” Think positively. Speak positively. Let your words be empowered by your faith. You will be amazed at how powerful they really are.
44. Never accept less than God’s best for your life. Regardless of what the world tells you, what your experiences have taught you, or what your emotions may be screaming at you during difficult times, God really is FOR you, never against you. He wants the best for you—physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and financially.
45. Never underestimate the value of having to wait. You learn endurance and perseverance which will benefit you greatly in life. Remember that you will reap what you have sown if you don’t grow weary. In this world of fast food, microwave dinners, one hour photos, drive thru pharmacies, and worldwide transportation, we have forgotten that not every good thing can be gained nor every need be met in an instant.
46. When you leave home, call your mother. Remember that not a day goes by that she isn’t missing you. Eighteen years of her life were poured into preparing you to fly the nest. Bear with her when she forgets that you were meant to grow wings and fly away.
47. Keep your dorm, apartment, house, etc. clean. Contrary to the old adage, I don’t believe cleanliness is next to godliness. But filth is from the devil. A cluttered space causes a cluttered mind, but an organized one helps foster a peaceful mind.
48. God doesn’t judge by outward appearances, but people sure do. Dress nicely. Don’t look sloppy. Look neat and clean. You never know who is watching and judging. It may very well be your future boss or father-in-law or professor.
49. Pay attention in school, and always do your best. If I could do it all over again, I would have really paid attention to what I was learning in school. Instead, I just learned it to get through it, to graduate, to get a degree. Now, I wish I had really learned everything that I could so that I would now understand more than I do. Never take your education for granted. Remember that there are still millions of children around the world who would give anything to be able to go to school. Remember them every time you are tempted to skip class.
50. Floss your teeth regularly and brush at least twice a day. I heard once that people who floss on average live six years longer than those who don’t. I don’t know if that is true, but I do know that problems in your mouth easily translate to problems in your body. Keep your mouth clean and healthy.
51. Wear sunscreen. You will thank me when you are 40.
52. Every time you get the chance, dance. It is good for the body and great for the soul.
53. Be sure to sing in the car and in the shower. Those are two places where you don’t care how you sound, and when you don’t care, that is when your soul can really sing.
54. Learn how to cook. It impresses most women. But more importantly, it will help you take good care of yourself. Plus, it really is a pleasurable thing when you learn how to do it properly.
55. Travel every time you get the chance. It is fun to get to see new places, new cultures, new people. And it always reminds you that home is really the best place on earth.
56. Save money. Don’t live paycheck to paycheck. Always put at least 10% of your paycheck away.
57. Never, ever, ever, ever keep a balance on a credit card. You absolutely must pay it off every month. Period. No exceptions.
58. Be generous. My daddy always said, “You can’t out-give God.” It is a principle that as you give, you will receive.
59. Tithe. But not because you have to. Do it with a cheerful heart knowing that as you give you will also receive. As you grow older you realize that giving really is more fun than getting.
60. New cars are so nice, but always keep in mind that they are not investments. It loses its value the moment you drive it off the lot.
61. Always hold the door for others, especially for women. Open and close her car door, too. Never let anyone tell you that this is old-fashioned. Some things should NEVER go out of style. Good manners are an example of this.
62. Say yes ma’am and yes sir to your elders. If they tell you don’t have to say that, tell them that you do because you are a good Southern boy and your mama told you that you have to.
63. Cough and sneeze on the bend of your arm, not on your hands.
64. If you are sick and running a fever, stay home. When you are a father, if your kids are running a fever, make sure they stay home. It isn’t fair to others for you to venture out while you are knowingly contagious.
65. Visit the elderly when you can. Remember that they need love and attention, and a little bit goes a long way.
66. Smile as often as possible at everyone, including strangers. It is amazing what a smile can do for another human being.
67. Take time regularly to enjoy the beauty of creation—watch a sunset, gaze at the stars, watch a meteor shower, stroll through a garden, walk on a beach, take a hike in the woods, go rowing on a lake. It reminds you of how big God really is and how blessed you are to belong to Him.
68. Never underestimate the power of the ocean. Enjoy it and respect it. If you are ever caught in a current, let it take you out until you feel like you can swim horizontal to the beach and make your way back to shore. Fighting currents will only wear you out and put you at greater risk of drowning.
69. Be a good neighbor. Serve your neighbors whenever you can, but remember not to visit them too often. Everyone needs their own space and privacy. Teach your children this as well.
70. Only buy a pet if you can afford to properly care for it and give it the time and attention it truly needs. Thoroughly research what it requires to own the kind of animal you want before you make the commitment to care for it. If in doubt, don’t have a pet.
71. Never take anything that doesn’t belong to you. If you find something, try to find its owner. Remember that when you lose something, you want an honest person to find it and return it. Be that person.
72. If you are standing in a grocery line with a cart full of groceries and the person behind you has far less groceries to buy than you do, let them go in front of you. It is just the right thing to do.
73. If someone is rude to you, it is okay to confront them about it. You can do this without being mean. For example, if the girl at the checkout counter cops an attitude with you because she has to do a price check, you can say something like this: “Are you having a bad day? Is something wrong?” She will either acknowledge this, at which point you will probably have compassion for her, or she will catch on to the fact that you are noticing her attitude and will likely change it. If she doesn’t do either of those things, you can always tell her that you’d like to speak to her manager to give them some feedback on the service you are receiving. That usually works. Bad behavior shouldn’t be ignored but should be dealt with immediately in the most loving way possible. Remember that as you raise your children. We don’t do anyone any favors by allowing them to behave badly. Also keep in mind that “a kind answer turns away wrath”.
74. Pay your taxes, even when it is an ungodly amount. Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s. But if Caesar continues to be a thief, do all you can to vote in candidates who will keep Caesar in check.
75. Always vote. It is a blessing and privilege that should not be forsaken.
76. Don’t rely on the government for anything. Its job isn’t to provide but to protect. Those who live off the government are enslaved to it.
77. Give to the poor, especially to the widow and to the orphan. They will always be with us, but it is our duty to help care for them.
78. Never purchase anything impulsively. It rarely turns out to be a good decision. If you want something, wait a full 24 hours before purchasing it. After 24 hours, if you still want it, buy it.
79. Don’t be a pack rat. Remember one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, so pass along stuff you don’t use. Make a trip to Goodwill or other ministry at least twice a year. Never let your attic or basement be full of stuff. A good rule of thumb: If you haven’t needed it, used it or worn it in a year, get rid of it.
80. When you own a home, take good care of it by maintaining it, keeping it in great condition. Remember that for most people their house is their greatest and best investment. You never know when you may need to sale your house. If you have maintained it, you won’t spend thousands of dollars and countless hours of your life preparing for it to go on the market.
81. Take a moment each day to be grateful. Thank God for your life, for your loved ones, for anything that comes to mind. A grateful heart is a humble and happy one.
82. When you employ and/or manage people, be good to them, care for them. Treat them as you would want a boss to treat you. Reward them well for good work. Positively encourage them. Get to know them well so that you know what motivates them, inspires them, and blesses them. Don’t be afraid to reprimand or correct them. Constructive criticism is the only way to really learn and get better. If they don’t take it well at first, remind them that you would never critique something that you didn’t fully believe they were entirely capable of correcting and doing well.
83. Receive criticism humbly and thoughtfully. Carefully consider it. Remember that it is what makes you better. Never think you are above being critiqued. No one is.
84. Maintain a humble heart. Never think more highly of yourself than you ought. Never think that you are better than another human being. We are all human, we all fall short, and without God’s grace, we would all be hopelessly lost.
85. Always make your bed. It just makes your room look more neat and clean.
86. Never let your laundry pile up. There may be no less enjoyable way to spend a day than to spend it doing laundry. Do a little every day or two and you will be glad you did.
87. You may be the only one who generally sees your underwear and sock with holes in it, but you never know what might transpire in a day. Like I said before, God doesn’t judge by outward appearances, but people do. Toss out socks and underwear with holes in them.
88. It is always better to get to the root of a problem and yank it out than to put a bandage on it. This applies to problems in your life, in your relationships, and in your health. Remember that while a bandage may be a quick and easier solution, it is never intended to heal anything, and it is only temporary. Remember, if there is a root, it will eventually bear fruit. And in your life, you want bad roots to be identified and yanked out so that true healing can transpire.
89. Don’t be quick to pop a pill when you don’t feel well. Always try to determine what is at the root of your ailments so that you can do little things, like changing your habits, your diet, etc., to get complete healing.
90. Never forsake your love for the written word. Read books as often as you can. When you are reading you are learning, using the gift of your imagination, being inspired.
91. Read the Bible regularly. It helps you know the character of the God you have put your faith in, gives wisdom, shines light into dark places, empowers, instructs, and provides encouragement. There is no better book you can read than this.
92. Pray without ceasing. Remember that we can’t see the power of our prayers. We forsake the gift that we have been given way too easily. When we pray, things change. God hears and moves on our behalf. When you are praying about something, pray until you feel the Spirit whisper that it is done. Never give up praying for something until God says you should.
93. As a member of the body of Christ, do not forsake the gathering of believers. We were created for relationships—with God and with each other. Remember that your relationship with other believers is highly important, so do not forget to meet with them regularly to encourage and to be encouraged.
94. You may be tempted to curse the roadblocks in your life. Just remember that those hindrances can be blessings meant to protect us, redirect us, teach us, or turn us around completely. Instead of cursing them, bless them and give thanks for them. And if they were sent to distract or delay you, you can simply pray them down. Don’t be afraid to speak to the mountain and tell it to move. With God on your side, nothing is impossible for you.
95. Look for the silver lining in every dark cloud. Every cloud has one. You just have to be willing to search for it.
96. Take pictures often and journal regularly. You think you will remember. Trust me, you won’t.
97. Show mercy. Remember you have been shown it and are in need of it, too.
98. Practice justice. Be fair in all you do.
99. Remember that money can be squandered far more quickly that it was earned. Spend wisely.
100. If you receive a substantial inheritance, remember that someone worked hard for that money, even if you did not. Invest it wisely, spend it carefully. While you can’t take it to Heaven with you, you also don’t want it to run out before you get there.
101. Be a good steward of the earth. Don’t litter. Don’t waste water or electricity. Remember that natural resources are precious commodities that should be used wisely, not wastefully.
102. Don’t be afraid. While fear is a natural part of life, you weren’t created to live with fear. You were meant to overcome it. I’ve heard that the Bible says “Fear not” at least 365 times, so that is at least one command for every day of the year. True or not, when you know God, there is nothing to be afraid of. He is a good Shepherd Who will always care for you, His lamb, and will lead you through the valleys of the shadow of death to the green pastures by the still waters. You can count on that.
103. Especially do not be afraid of the devil. He is a liar who wants you to fear him, but he knows that all his power is contained inside whatever lie he can get you to believe. Don’t believe him. Believe God. Believe Him when He says, “Greater is He that is in you than he who is in the world.” The Greatest Power in the universe resides inside you. That is no small thing. You are empowered to overcome everything you ever face as long as you cling to the Source of that power.
104. When you find a good barber, a good mechanic, a good doctor and a good lawyer, stay loyal to them. They are hard to come by. (And since you may very well become a lawyer, I already know you’ll be one of the good ones.)
105. When choosing a doctor for yourself or for loved ones, choose one who really listens to the patient, who takes time to be thorough, who doesn’t think they know everything but is willing to search out a matter, who can admit when they don’t know the answer, who isn’t offended by second opinions, and who is open to natural remedies. Modern medicine is a wonderful gift, but it doesn’t provide the solution to every ailment. God, however, can. Remember to always seek the Great Physician first.
106. Never ever be afraid of who you are but be confident in being YOU. You are uniquely and wonderfully made. There is only one YOU, and you were sent to this earth with a purpose. In fact, in the history of this world, no one else has ever been you nor will ever be you. God will reflect Himself to this world through you in a way He has never expressed before nor will He ever express again because He made you special—uniquely YOU. Remember that when you are tempted to feel inadequate, less than, defective, or devalued.
107. Remember that no one can make you feel anything. If a person makes you feel less than, it is because you have already felt that maybe you aren’t good enough. When you know who you really are—a child of God destined before the creation of the world, wholly loved and accepted—no one can convince you otherwise.
108. Don’t let other people tell you who you are. Let God tell you that. And when you believe Him, your life will testify to people as to whom you really are. And they will be far more likely to believe you.
109. Never let a desire to be liked or accepted dictate your actions or decisions. Let what you know in your heart is right dictate that. In the end, you may be respected, even if you aren’t liked by everyone.
110. Don’t waste time worrying about what other people think about what you do as long as you know in your heart that what you are doing is right before God.
111. The adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is absolutely not true. You can stick a knife into a word and pierce someone’s heart with it. Be careful what you say, especially when you are angry. People may forget that you were angry. But they may never forget how you hurt them in your anger. Do all you can not to leave scars in another human’s soul because of your careless words.
112. Anger is not a sin. Jesus got angry. It is what you do with your anger that matters. Let anger motivate you to forgive, to be just, to defend, to right a wrong if it is appropriate to do so. But don’t let it foster hatred or bitterness or violence. Let it have its rightful place, and then let it go quickly. And never let it linger nor let the sun go down on it.
113. Remember to show love and respect to everyone. Men will appreciate your respect. Women will appreciate your love. Both are in need of both.
114. Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they really are, believe them.” She is so right.
115. Love believes the best in people. Discernment protects you from being blinded by it.
116. Beware of the yeast of the Pharisees—self-righteousness, trying to earn God’s approval by what you do, caring about your outward appearance to others rather than dealing with what is hidden in your heart, etc. Don’t buy into the lie that you have to earn anything from God. You don’t. The riches of His inheritance are freely yours because you are His child, and nothing can change that.
117. Paul Young wrote, “Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved.” You can only truly trust those that you truly believe love you. Likewise, people will trust you when they feel you truly love them.
118. Often we find that different people hurt us in similar ways. But that is because pain inflicted by others only pricks a wound left by another person long ago. Forgive the person who first made you feel that kind of pain. Then you can easily forgive those who have since pricked your wound and finally heal from it all.
119. Sometimes (not often) you really should just eat dessert first.
120. When you are driving a car, your full attention really needs to be on driving. NEVER text while you are behind the wheel, and avoid talking on the phone, too.
121. Try to listen more than you speak. For you this will probably be easy. Mark Twain said, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
122. Remember that you are loved beyond measure, by God, and by me. You have never lived nor will you ever live a moment of your life where you are not 100% entirely, completely, totally and fully loved and accepted. Knowing that alone changes everything.
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